Itching up a Storm

That last bad day feels far behind me and there is much more peace in the home. I realized, partly with the help of my husband, that I am very hard on myself. I think most mothers are. None of us are perfect it is rare that a mother feels she is living up to her own ideal of a mother one hundred percent of the time. Raising, guiding, nurturing, teaching and protecting these little beings is such a monumental responsibility and we all falter under the weight of it. Because it is the biggest and most important job I'll ever do I am pretty harsh on myself. I'm not entirely sure it's a bad thing though. As a mother who spends a lot of time alone at home with her children, I have to be very self motivated, monitor and check myself when I am out of line or undisciplined. We are self employed and since no one else is looking over our shoulder it might be a good thing to set the bar high. I guess it's a balancing act like everything else, to be forgiving of ones self but not to an oversight. The other day I sank too low and got mired in my guilt and made myself feel like the worst mother on earth because I screamed at my kids. Because I do not want to be a screaming mother and don't want my children growing up on eggshells it's good that I felt disappointed but I've got to work on the perspective. Yesterday I had a small victory. My four year old son had a complete melt down, screaming, kicking, the works. He's been so angry lately and it hurts for me to see him scowling because I know it's a reaction to my own unchecked anger that he witnessed. They had a little friend over for a play date so I knew I had to get him alone to reason with him. I picked him up and managed to carry him to his room despite his best efforts to topple us both backwards down the stairs. I could feel my heart racing and the adrenaline rushing through my limbs in response to his shrill screams in my ears and the strength and balance it took to protect us from harm on the stairs. There was a part of me that wanted to toss him on his bed and scream "SHUT UP!!" That is one thing I have never said to them but I've thought it plenty of times:) Instead I consciously calmed my heart, set him gently on his bed and knelt in front of him with my hands on his knees. I started talking in a quiet, rational tone and he stopped crying immediately. I explained to him what I needed and expected of him, being the eldest child in the house, that he needed to set an example for the younger ones so that they would respect and listen to me. His response? A hug. Overcoming our frustrated urges and getting a positive result in return is like winning a gold medal and it sets the tone for an hour or so after which is another reward.
Last night after I had tucked them in, I was in bed on the computer with a good friend getting my much needed social time when I heard their bedroom door click open.
"Who is out of bed?" I yelled.
My Son's groggy voice replied, "I'm itching up a storm and can't get into bed."
Some times, even at the end of a long day, when your kids are supposed to be sleeping and you really NEED for them to be sleeping, you can overcome your frustration of a wakeful child and have a good laugh.