Don't Let Their Size Fool You

Other than peaceful solitude in nature or the amicable silence between my mother and I when we’re getting along, there are few things more healing to my soul than my naked child resting on my chest. That slight weight, the smooth chubby skin with it’s sweet sweaty smell, the body born from mine imparting a sense that all is well with the world. I treasure those moments and they seem more and more rare these days as the kids are so active now. I steal snuggles in the hours after they have fallen asleep when their bodies are slack and giving and I listen joyfully to their murmurs and sleepy dream talk. Although I object, I secretly love when they come into my bed in the middle of the night and I get to hold them in the morning when it's still quiet, before the other comes in and all hell breaks loose. These days the fighting seems endless and it’s maddening. Top five things they fight about: If one of their hands or legs even slightly touches the other which ends with my daughter screaming, one won’t follow the exact rules of a game and threats are made to never play with the other again, my son has a problem with my daughter getting out ‘his door’ of the car so he endlessly slams it in her face at which point she starts screaming, my son won’t let my daughter finish a sentence and acting like a big know-it-all, finishes the sentence for her at which point she starts screaming, my son doesn’t like my daughter’s singing so he’ll start a chant which ends with me or my daughter screaming. Today during a particularly grueling session of ‘don’t touch me’, I actually threatened to pull the car over and leave them on the sidewalk. Now I’m not a big fan of making threats like that- especially when they are so young- it’s just asking for nightmares and separation anxiety. I’m not proud but man did it fly out of my mouth with great speed and volume. While typing this my daughter came into my room to tell me that my son had threatened to punch her in the face if she didn’t lick his butt. Fun times let me tell you. This is how my days are defined- refereeing dumb fights all day long. All day. This is why I need my glass of wine at the end of the day.

To make up for it, these small spawns of mine ply me with a virtual open- bar of love. No matter how many times I’ve raised my voice, or if I’ve threatened to leave them on the sidewalk, there are constantly little arms around my legs and juicy smooches on my cheek, pats on my bum and a never ending string of “I love you so so so so so so so so so so much mama”. On my toughest days when I can’t wait for bed time, when I am considering checking into that psych ward, when I can’t bear to hear one more whine or ear piercing shriek, my hands will find their hair, their warm backs, their soft cheeks, I’ll pummel them with smooches or our eyes will meet and I’ll croak out “I love you sweetie”, so overcome with the emotion I could weep on the spot. Checks and balances. They deplete, they fulfill. They break me, they inspire me. They bring out my best as well as my worst. They miraculously accept me when I have failed them and unreasonably reproach me for not allowing them to run around outside in a lightening storm. I don’t think I could ever be so forgiving, or so in love with a man. There is no spoken vow between mother and child yet this is the strongest, no bullshit sort of love and it ends only with my last breath. They don’t talk about this stuff in the birthing classes. They don’t warn you how much you stand to risk by loving another being so fiercely. They don’t warn you that some day your kid, your beloved baby could break your heart more thoroughly and completely than it’s ever been broken before by dying, disowning you, murdering someone, choosing to live with their father after the divorce. No, we just go blindly into the whole child rearing thing thinking only about diapers, onsies and names and worrying about such fleeting things as colic, teething and nights of lost sleep. None of us are guaranteed safe or complete passage through this life and none of us are instructed how to enjoy what time we are lucky enough to have. It seems terribly unfair but isn’t it just like our species to bitch and wine about mortality instead of marveling about this day, right now, how we are moving, breathing, loving, hurting, and thinking our way through every minute, every hour that we are lucky enough to have. My children are a burden and that may sound harsh but fuckin A- life is harsh so get over it. My children are also my greatest boon, my ship come in, my hearts desire and my gurus. Little stinkers.

Itching up a Storm

That last bad day feels far behind me and there is much more peace in the home. I realized, partly with the help of my husband, that I am very hard on myself. I think most mothers are. None of us are perfect it is rare that a mother feels she is living up to her own ideal of a mother one hundred percent of the time. Raising, guiding, nurturing, teaching and protecting these little beings is such a monumental responsibility and we all falter under the weight of it. Because it is the biggest and most important job I'll ever do I am pretty harsh on myself. I'm not entirely sure it's a bad thing though. As a mother who spends a lot of time alone at home with her children, I have to be very self motivated, monitor and check myself when I am out of line or undisciplined. We are self employed and since no one else is looking over our shoulder it might be a good thing to set the bar high. I guess it's a balancing act like everything else, to be forgiving of ones self but not to an oversight. The other day I sank too low and got mired in my guilt and made myself feel like the worst mother on earth because I screamed at my kids. Because I do not want to be a screaming mother and don't want my children growing up on eggshells it's good that I felt disappointed but I've got to work on the perspective. Yesterday I had a small victory. My four year old son had a complete melt down, screaming, kicking, the works. He's been so angry lately and it hurts for me to see him scowling because I know it's a reaction to my own unchecked anger that he witnessed. They had a little friend over for a play date so I knew I had to get him alone to reason with him. I picked him up and managed to carry him to his room despite his best efforts to topple us both backwards down the stairs. I could feel my heart racing and the adrenaline rushing through my limbs in response to his shrill screams in my ears and the strength and balance it took to protect us from harm on the stairs. There was a part of me that wanted to toss him on his bed and scream "SHUT UP!!" That is one thing I have never said to them but I've thought it plenty of times:) Instead I consciously calmed my heart, set him gently on his bed and knelt in front of him with my hands on his knees. I started talking in a quiet, rational tone and he stopped crying immediately. I explained to him what I needed and expected of him, being the eldest child in the house, that he needed to set an example for the younger ones so that they would respect and listen to me. His response? A hug. Overcoming our frustrated urges and getting a positive result in return is like winning a gold medal and it sets the tone for an hour or so after which is another reward.
Last night after I had tucked them in, I was in bed on the computer with a good friend getting my much needed social time when I heard their bedroom door click open.
"Who is out of bed?" I yelled.
My Son's groggy voice replied, "I'm itching up a storm and can't get into bed."
Some times, even at the end of a long day, when your kids are supposed to be sleeping and you really NEED for them to be sleeping, you can overcome your frustration of a wakeful child and have a good laugh.