Thursday, June 3, 2010

Teacher and Student

When does the day come when I wake up and feel grateful. First thing. When I don’t immediately wish I could sleep longer, feel better, have less bullshit to deal with and hard decisions to make? Am I hard wired to feel crappy? I mean even the happiest people have bullshit and hard decisions on their plate- it’s unavoidable in life. Right? Are there really people who get through this unscathed or are they urban myths. In case you didn’t catch on to the tone of this entry, I’m going to bitch about my life so feel free to skip this one if your own personal problems are just about all you can handle right now. I have moved into my new little house in Raleigh, my husband has left for Afghanistan for half a year and nothing feels like it is on track. Instead of feeling like I am moving forward I feel like I am slipping, more alone than ever and less and less sure about my decision to separate. From my first night in the new house it has been one problem after another and it’s all I can do to keep chipping away at what at times feels insurmountable. First night it rained and the cockroaches made their appearance. They just came out of the vents, huge, ugly, nasty fuckers. The next night I had bought some natural spray and was ready. Or so I thought. I opened my front door after dark to sit on the porch and about seven roaches ran for the door. I ran for the flashlight and spray and discovered that there were twenty or more on the porch, in my plants, all along the sides of the house. I started to spray, following them with the little beam from my flashlight and when I moved out into the yard some of the craftier ones rushed to the screen door scrambling to get in. To make matters worse the underside of the house is infested with Camel Back Crickets which look like giant spiders that jump around so as I attempted to spray the roaches on the sides of the house the crickets were jumping on me and I didn’t know if it was roaches or crickets. For nearly twenty minutes I yelped and jumped, nearly hyperventilating with fear and adrenaline. I never looked to see if the neighbors were watching. That shook me to the core and set in motion this feeling of instability and doubt. I think that part of the reason it’s hitting me so hard is that I want and need to create this safe, warm, inviting little space for the kids and I amid so much change and uncertainty and I feel like my fortress has been breached and I have no control. So there’s that. Then throw in the fact that we’ve run out of money and it’s thirteen days until we get payed, Zoot took off again at the OLD house and I wasn’t able to find her before we moved, the AC broke, the cat I swore I was bringing back to the shelter peed and pooped on Ev’s bed yesterday, the house is full of boxes to the point where you can hardly move around and truth be told there is only shelves and space for about half the stuff. But amazingly enough I am able to chip away at it. I hung upside down in two feet of space for some time and got the dryer functioning, I got the land lady to send some one over to rake away the two years worth of cockroach infested leaves against the house, the internet was finally connected and all problems resolved, I bought wood and stained it to make my own shelves, I broke down and bought the bad chemicals to spray around the house which seems to be doing the trick with the creepy crawlies and I even manage to laugh a few times a day with the kiddos. So even though the tape won’t hold things on the wall, the nails bend under the hammer, the outlets aren’t updated and I could lose my computer in one of the storms we are getting every few hours, I don’t know how we’ll get money to shop for food until the next paycheck, I have cramps and my forehead has broken out, there is some force so great working within me that I am able to actually get out of bed every morning; even if my first thoughts aren’t rosy they are at the very least coherent and sane. So far. OK, now that I’m halfway through my first cocktail of the evening let’s move on to the good stuff. I’m sitting at my new desk for the first time. After clearing away boxes and clutter and finding a chair, I have my writing station I had envisioned. There is a small window in front of me and the branches from two large oaks grow almost up to it creating a green jungle for me to appreciate while I type. A happy male cardinal just landed on a young branch and we watched each other while he swung up and down in the post storm breeze. Being in a college town I now have a wonderful selection of Public Radio stations and I’ve been enjoying the talk radio especially as it makes me feel like I have company and the weather has been crappy which is actually a good thing since the AC will be down for at least a few more days.

I feel like a stranger in a strange land but I’m fairly confident that I can make a home here. I have a great friend who lives a few miles away and she has invited me into her circle of friends where I have been warmly received. I just want to get to the point where I don’t have to wait for her to host an event to socialize! Jr. High was a lonely, scary hell that I lived through and even benefited from, so I know I can do this. I’m watching the kids run through the house, nimbly avoiding a box here, a sharp corner there, laughing raucously. Despite the incredibly cramped, disorganized quarters, they move free and easy and I think: pay attention-they’re showing you how it’s done.