May the road rise up to meet you

In five short days Everett and Arianna will start full days of school. This will be Arianna's first experience with full days away from me and I'm interested to see how she likes it. I have been allowing myself to imagine what my days will be like with so much alone time. I can read, find a yoga class, ride my bike around, window shop, go to the mall, walk around downtown and get a beer if I so wish, take a nap.... Of course I will also be very much involved in the hunt for a job but I plan to make the most of what ever free days I get to myself before I start working. I deserve them. I've been walking the tightrope a lot lately, that thin line between "I'm managing" and "I'm in the weeds". "I'm in the weeds" is a great phrase from my waitressing days. I remember so clearly that slightly panicked feeling when an eight top is sat in your already maxed out section and you realize you forgot to get table four's drinks and the kitchen is calling you to pick up table two's food and table one is trying to flag you down for their check. Long past my fine dining days, I find myself more in the weeds as a single mother than ever before. Right now though, things seem to be falling together at the same rate other things are falling apart. I have new friendships forming that promise to be great friendships and I'm enjoying the deepening of a couple old friendships that are local, I've started seeing a new therapist and really couldn't be happier with that branch of support. I've been taking the kiddos once or twice a week to local, free performances, the kids museum, camping at the beach, swimming at the community pool etc.. We started attending services at the Unitarian Universalist Church in Raleigh, they have an excellent kids program run by a dear friend and I anticipate it being a great place to meet other like-minded parents. There may not be a whole lot of immediate gratification but I am moving forward. Seems like a miracle since I spend so much time looking behind me from whence I came,I have to focus on training my eyes to the road ahead and only indulge the backwards musings when I have achieved enough distance to have earned them. Some days though I hunker down under the protective shade of a roadside tree and brood or worse yet double back,following my tracks, sniffing and howling like a hound dog that's lost the scent but wants to fool you into thinking it's still hot on the trail. It really is a mournful thing to set yourself so far back but you pick yourself up and get moving whether sheepishly or with nonchalance, you just keep moving.
Here's my adaptation of an Irishg blessing:

May the road rise up to meet you
and may the wind be ever at your back
to kick you in the ass when you start feeling sorry for yourself.

TMI

Have you ever read someones Facebook status and cringed, felt uncomfortable and wondered why on earth they would post something so personal for the world to see? I have. I disassociate myself from that person with a raised eyebrow and my own witty, half veiled status where everything is safely insinuated and therefor acceptable. But secretly I have been brought to that moment, hands hovering over the keyboard, where I wanted to let the world know that I am about to lose my shit! I'm lonely! I'm horny! My world is a shit storm and I'm not so sure I can ride it out a moment longer! So great is my need to have some human contact,to feel some support, that I might just risk putting it all out there for people like my eighth grade classmates and high school boyfriends to read if it might garner some attention and support, a little red number in a square alerting me that some one has sent me a life line. So far I've managed to 'keep it together' for the public eye.

This morning I had a total meltdown when Everett accidentally but carelessly tore a utility shelf from the wall that was holding all the tools. It took me hours to get those shelves up and two months to even find the energy to do it by myself. Yesterday he ripped the bottom screen off the front door and I had to sit in 115 degree sun while I unscrewed the door frame, pulled the metal screen back into place, screwed the frame back on and then meticulously sewed the inner screen back onto the metal screen. Today the shelf was the last straw and instead of screaming at him I just started bawling. I cried like my heart was breaking, like I was mourning the dead, like everything as I knew it was up for auction.
Which of course is why was I crying topped with the helpless feeling one gets when they have just seen their hard work undone. Oh how I wanted to get on Facebook and virtually scream for help: "Some one come rescue me!" or "Sweep me up and tell me it's going to be Ok" And there are a few I would ask to "Kiss me so fiercely that the world falls away"and "Take me to bed and don't let me out until I have been reborn"
But what I wrote was: "Need. Massage. Now.....and a handy man." And I really don't feel a sense of superiority for my restraint. Nor do I feel any relief and no one is throwing me a lifeline because frankly, who doesn't need a massage or a handy man.
Still, I am not sure that the full disclosure status update is the way to go because although it's true that we all lose our shit at times and we all falter and feel alone, there are some out there to whom I would like to remain mysterious. It's important to me that when I am failing and falling apart, when I am ugly and unlovable, someone out there thinks I'm living the dream.
Hm..instead of sitting here and continuing to feel sorry for myself maybe I'll scan my friends status updates for TMI and throw out some lifelines. Then I'll go look at that damn shelf again. And if any of you can recommend a man who's good with his hands- ahem- I mean a good handy man, I'd be much obliged.