How, I ask myself, can seven months go by without an entry? The same way seven months can go by without getting a haircut, seeing a movie, going out on the town, calling a special friend... I guess I get so tired of my own state of being that I don't even want to 'burden' myself with, well, myself. I've used a lot of life lines these past few years and I am so grateful for those women in my life on the other end of the phone or computer. While my marriage has been crumbling and while I've been taking great risks to find my own path, I have been receiving cards in the mail, voice mails and emails from friends saying: You are Beautiful and Strong, Loving and Capable and We love you! Here in North Carolina, where we have been since May, I still don't have a tangible circle of friends and feel bereft every day. It is these faithful reminders from friends back home that help buoy me along.
I am in my own bedroom now where I have my own little bookshelf,a reading lamp and two windows to let in the sunlight. This change ended up bringing me more relief and peace than I anticipated. I have a space all to myself where I don't have to be touched or cuddled, where I can wear a silky night gown to bed and not worry about the 'repercussions". The precursor to this decision was, I guess a defining moment. For about three years now I have not had any interest whatsoever in initiating sex. When I actually gave in to my husbands advances, the experience was not one where I felt I was sharing a spiritual, intimate joining together, but rather a very private experience where I went off in my head to enjoy it any way I could. I have waited these years for something like a sign from above to tell me definitively what I should do. Stay or Go!! One night, shortly after arriving in NC, while having sex, my body screamed out "NO MORE!!!!" and my brain finally listened. My body had been trying to tell me for a long time. The sign from above was actually from within! As my husband and I prepare to eventually physically separate I am plagued with doubt: What if I'm making a mistake? What if I'll never be happy? What if the kids decide to live with their father when they're older and I'm left alone? What if he marries a woman I hate? And I'm plagued with guilt: He's hurting so bad, how could I do this? My choice will hurt the children. Look how much he loves me and the children....
Rocking the boat was a masochistic choice because with out friends or family here, when he shuts himself off out of hurt and anger, I'm all alone, day in and day out. What ever I do or don't do drastically affects the little bubble I live in. There were awful days and weeks and I sank under the guilt and started feeling like everyone would be better off without me. No matter if I choose to stay or go, some one will suffer. I had been in the same place last winter and now, just like then, I decided not to gamble with this level of depression and went on an anti-depressant . Now that the hopelessness is held at bay, I am able to fight that guilt with logic and reason. They say it's hard to see the forest from the trees and they ain't lying. Little by little the muddle in my heart and brain takes shape and makes sense. As I have set boundaries in my marriage and claimed space for myself, I have come to know more about where I am and what I need. I think that I am yearning to be alone. Not without the children, but without a partner. My mother got what I meant right away and said: "Sometimes you need to be alone to find your Truth." (No my mother doesn't watch Oprah- she doesn't even have a TV). Man did that resonate. I believe it is every human being's right to seek knowledge of themselves and to forge a path guided by this knowledge. Some people never know this and are able to continue on without having a breakdown or break out. Some people fly off the handle when they figure it out and loose everything. I am hoping to settle peacefully far enough away from both.
All around me women I know or women I know of, are going through a very similar metamorphosis. SO MANY women are not in love any more, SO MANY women are hungry for themselves. It's becoming such a common theme around me that I have begun to wonder why we aren't seeing more stats? Is it an epidemic? Has it always been going on but I just wasn't there yet so I didn't tune into it? And this leads me back to an old question that has been churning around in my brain for years: Is there such a thing as having too many choices? Can having all these choices, as women, be a bad thing? Is the change in society a wrench in the cog? Now I'm not taking ten giant steps back to the Ice Age here, it warrants some thought. Certainly not in an effort to take away women's choices, but rather to shed light on the cause of some of our stress! Knowing something can make all the difference. Knowing can wholly change the way you look at something. Knowing can change your life. So I ask in the spirit of knowledge.
My husband, dear, dear man that he is, has gone through his own metamorphosis brought on by pain and anger and grief. He has thanked me for 'sticking to my guns' as it has forced him to look within and to be alone with where he is in HIS life. He is still committed to saving the marriage but respects my rejection of the idea and gives me my space. He struggles to honor my boundaries, but that struggle is indicative of his trying. For now he offers me financial support and the support in raising the children, a friendship in what ever capacity I need and we are still under the same roof. My friends have been so gracious as I call them to tell them- I'm leaving! I'm staying. I'm leaving! I'm staying.... It feels like I've been running in circles in my head and my life but when I look back to last winter when I started this blog, I can see just how much distance I've covered on my way Home, to myself.
