Sometimes so much happens in between posts that I avoid writing because the task of getting it all out seems monumental- like letting the house go too long without a cleaning. Boy have the last six months been difficult and wonderful, meaningful and jam packed with life's lessons- many of which I'm still trying to sort and figure out.
From the very beginning of my relationship with the young musician, I have had to do serious battle with what I call my little demon; that small voice with a big, fat, negative opinion and assumption about everything. I have second guessed myself, his feelings towards me and my own chosen words and actions again and again. I began to feel that this relationship could be a turning point for me and this little demon, that it was time to learn in earnest how to cope with and tame this voice. When last I wrote of him I had just returned from California and was feeling very unsure about where things stood in the present and where they might go in the future. After much internal debate I decided one night - 'Hey I'm just going to ask for clarification and state what I want."
So I did just that, I asked what he was feeling for me, told him I simply wanted to see him when I could, continue to foster this friendship and to be his lover. When I hit send I felt empowered and sure of myself. Then the voice snuck up and started to say things like: Why did you say that? He already told you, you're going to push him away! You sound needy and desperate. You're pathetic. etc.....
I called my girlfriend, she brought me back to reality and I felt good and strong again. I called my mom and she said- " He already told you, you're going to push him away!" That was a major aha moment. I saw where some of that insecure little demon came from, passed down unknowingly from mother to daughter. So I called another girlfriend and by the end of that conversation I felt confident once more. But I had to wait a good number of days for his response and it became more and more difficult to hold onto that sureness. On the fourth day I got his response which went something like this: 'I too want to see you when I can, I want to foster this friendship and I want to be your lover. I'm beginning to have a better understanding and am excited to see where this goes."
Damn did that feel good. It affirmed the usefulness of asking for clarification and saying what you want. (Duh) The next couple weeks were heady and wonderful, I got a package in the mail with sweet, thoughtful, personal gifts- he included a little something for the kids as well. Then I got a homemade valentine in the mail and then- nothing.....for nearly two weeks. My many emails went unanswered. It had not been abnormal for him to go long stretches without writing but he was leaving some important questions of mine hanging- like when will I see you again and why don't we talk on the phone or try skype sometime.... The floodgates had just been opened, his eagerness for the future of our relationship had been expressed, it seemed an odd time for an extended silence. I worked really hard those two weeks to think positively. I did not let that little voice take over, it took a marked effort on my part but I won in the end. Sort of.
Two weeks later I got an email: he had reconnected with his former fiance, he was staying in CA for at least the next six months, no summer tours near me etc... There was other stuff, little stories about being snow bound and birthing puppies, there were questions about my new job and such, but it was rather non-committal and there was no direct comment on what had just passed between us not even a month prior, no recognition of what this would mean for our relationship. Just a casual- I've started spending more and more time with the girl who was my fiance now that we'll be in San Diego for a while together.
This sudden turn of events has caused me pain, though it's far from the 'end of my world', it's confusing as hell. I worked so hard to gain control of my negativity, I finally managed it and my negative worries were justified in the end. Thanks Universe. Thanks for that one.
Ultimately, hurt feelings aside, I feel relieved to be free of that guessing game and I trust that in the end this outcome will work in both our favors. Thanks to all my friends who encouraged and supported me in this first romantic endeavor, it's not a failed attempt, but a brave and educational one.
