Sunday, February 1, 2009

It Seems We All Live So Close To That Line And So Far From Satisfaction

"A woman I knew just drowned herself
The well was deep and muddy
She was just shaking off futility
Or punishing somebody
My friends were calling up all day yesterday
All emotions and abstractions
It seems we all live so close to that line
And so far from satisfaction"
-Joni Mitchell


Depression is a tricky, slippery eel.
It is a Black Dog.
Depression is an instigator, a bully, a tyrant.
It knows no personal boundaries.
Depression has selective hearing.
Depression will do what ever it has to
to win.


Six years ago today a childhood friend waited on the train tracks behind her house. She had texted her boyfriend to tell him she loved him, taken her purse with her i.d. inside and headed out into the frigid night. Her sadness was so deep and her desire to die so strong that it overcame her innate instinct to protect her life as the train sped towards her. All these years later that fact resides uncomfortably in my mind. As some one who struggles with depression and has lived with it most of her life, it terrifies me to know that our mind can betray us by giving up the will to survive. Like Joni says- we all live so close to that line. And it's so easy to stray from satisfaction.... Some days I am a warrior against my black dog- optimism as my sword and hope as my shield. Other days I am unable to see the point of going through what is sure to be year after year of unhappiness, a screaming daughter and a life without passion. Today I am grateful that I know deep down, I could never stand my ground on those train tracks. My thoughts are sometimes unwelcome guests, but my mind is firmly connected to life and all that I desire to accomplish, see and do before that light goes out.
I am meditating on the young woman who gave up so long ago, seeing her face and sending her some love in hopes that she will receive it in some form what ever or where ever she may or may not be.