Running in circles and getting somewhere?

How, I ask myself, can seven months go by without an entry? The same way seven months can go by without getting a haircut, seeing a movie, going out on the town, calling a special friend... I guess I get so tired of my own state of being that I don't even want to 'burden' myself with, well, myself. I've used a lot of life lines these past few years and I am so grateful for those women in my life on the other end of the phone or computer. While my marriage has been crumbling and while I've been taking great risks to find my own path, I have been receiving cards in the mail, voice mails and emails from friends saying: You are Beautiful and Strong, Loving and Capable and We love you! Here in North Carolina, where we have been since May, I still don't have a tangible circle of friends and feel bereft every day. It is these faithful reminders from friends back home that help buoy me along.

I am in my own bedroom now where I have my own little bookshelf,a reading lamp and two windows to let in the sunlight. This change ended up bringing me more relief and peace than I anticipated. I have a space all to myself where I don't have to be touched or cuddled, where I can wear a silky night gown to bed and not worry about the 'repercussions". The precursor to this decision was, I guess a defining moment. For about three years now I have not had any interest whatsoever in initiating sex. When I actually gave in to my husbands advances, the experience was not one where I felt I was sharing a spiritual, intimate joining together, but rather a very private experience where I went off in my head to enjoy it any way I could. I have waited these years for something like a sign from above to tell me definitively what I should do. Stay or Go!! One night, shortly after arriving in NC, while having sex, my body screamed out "NO MORE!!!!" and my brain finally listened. My body had been trying to tell me for a long time. The sign from above was actually from within! As my husband and I prepare to eventually physically separate I am plagued with doubt: What if I'm making a mistake? What if I'll never be happy? What if the kids decide to live with their father when they're older and I'm left alone? What if he marries a woman I hate? And I'm plagued with guilt: He's hurting so bad, how could I do this? My choice will hurt the children. Look how much he loves me and the children....
Rocking the boat was a masochistic choice because with out friends or family here, when he shuts himself off out of hurt and anger, I'm all alone, day in and day out. What ever I do or don't do drastically affects the little bubble I live in. There were awful days and weeks and I sank under the guilt and started feeling like everyone would be better off without me. No matter if I choose to stay or go, some one will suffer. I had been in the same place last winter and now, just like then, I decided not to gamble with this level of depression and went on an anti-depressant . Now that the hopelessness is held at bay, I am able to fight that guilt with logic and reason. They say it's hard to see the forest from the trees and they ain't lying. Little by little the muddle in my heart and brain takes shape and makes sense. As I have set boundaries in my marriage and claimed space for myself, I have come to know more about where I am and what I need. I think that I am yearning to be alone. Not without the children, but without a partner. My mother got what I meant right away and said: "Sometimes you need to be alone to find your Truth." (No my mother doesn't watch Oprah- she doesn't even have a TV). Man did that resonate. I believe it is every human being's right to seek knowledge of themselves and to forge a path guided by this knowledge. Some people never know this and are able to continue on without having a breakdown or break out. Some people fly off the handle when they figure it out and loose everything. I am hoping to settle peacefully far enough away from both.
All around me women I know or women I know of, are going through a very similar metamorphosis. SO MANY women are not in love any more, SO MANY women are hungry for themselves. It's becoming such a common theme around me that I have begun to wonder why we aren't seeing more stats? Is it an epidemic? Has it always been going on but I just wasn't there yet so I didn't tune into it? And this leads me back to an old question that has been churning around in my brain for years: Is there such a thing as having too many choices? Can having all these choices, as women, be a bad thing? Is the change in society a wrench in the cog? Now I'm not taking ten giant steps back to the Ice Age here, it warrants some thought. Certainly not in an effort to take away women's choices, but rather to shed light on the cause of some of our stress! Knowing something can make all the difference. Knowing can wholly change the way you look at something. Knowing can change your life. So I ask in the spirit of knowledge.

My husband, dear, dear man that he is, has gone through his own metamorphosis brought on by pain and anger and grief. He has thanked me for 'sticking to my guns' as it has forced him to look within and to be alone with where he is in HIS life. He is still committed to saving the marriage but respects my rejection of the idea and gives me my space. He struggles to honor my boundaries, but that struggle is indicative of his trying. For now he offers me financial support and the support in raising the children, a friendship in what ever capacity I need and we are still under the same roof. My friends have been so gracious as I call them to tell them- I'm leaving! I'm staying. I'm leaving! I'm staying.... It feels like I've been running in circles in my head and my life but when I look back to last winter when I started this blog, I can see just how much distance I've covered on my way Home, to myself.

PENIS CHEEK

It's time to discuss some motherhood here! My husband and I have not yet decided what to teach our now four and a half year old son what to call his testicles. 'Testicles' seems way to old, 'balls' and 'nuts' innapropriate and even 'scrotum' which a girlfriend of mine settled on, seems wierd. So we've been ignoring it and it seems my son has come up with his own name. I noticed him figiting with his penis through his pants the other day- his face scrunched up in discomfort. I asked if he had to pee and he said no, his penis was stuck. I noticed him doing it again a few minutes later and asked him if his penis was stuck again. "Yes", he replied, "It's stuck to my penis cheek."

Spring is in full bloom here in Bavaria. The crocuses have been up for a couple weeks the terns are back in the lake and the bees are buzzing about their business. And the sun! Ahh the sun is back. During the winters here the clouds basically move in for good. The past few sunny days it really feels like I am comprised of solar panels and my energy is doubling, tripling. My optimism is through the roof and my depression is but a memory. The kids and I have been spending blissful afternoons in the yard and I am truly savoring it as it will be our last spring here. In fact we are preparing to move to North Carolina in three weeks. My son is not happy about this and has, I believe, been internalizing his feelings and it's coming out as anger. For a couple weeks he was like a stranger. My normaly even keeled, mellow boy was all barbs, glares and stomps. Nearly every word he spoke was angry. It was both frustrating and heartbreaking for me. Of course I felt it was important to help him connect with the true root of his anger but that's the tricky part as a parent with a child so young because what if we end up simply projecting on to them what we THINK the problem is. How many countless times we screw up. I haven't decided yet if I think it's worse to know when you're screwing up and doing it anyway, or when you are ignorant of what you're doing wrong.

For the past two months I was involved with the theater! It'd been some thirteen years since I'd performed on stage and I fell in love with it again. My husband came to see final performance which was adjudicated by professionals from around the world and it was hands down one of the most self afirming experiences since giving birth. He has never seen me act! It's been a life long passion, even a cause for argument in our marriage when I bring up my desire to persue it, and he'd never even seen me perform. He and I have been through so many ups and downs these past years. Deciding to separate and then to work it out over and over. There have been so many doubts, so many days I've wondered, is this it? Is he the best partner for me? Could I be happier with some one else? He was gone on a five week TDY (tour of duty) for all but the last week of rehearsal so I was scrambling to fit childcare together for the evenings and study my lines during the days. It was stressful but so fulfilling and he was earnestly happy for me and looked forward to seeing the play. Upon his return I booked two trips for us sans kids and between booking the trips and him getting to respect and admire me for something I achieved, it was a boost for our relationship and for now we are looking towards a future together. I still don't necessarily see us spending the rest of our lives together and I continue to desire a more autonomous marriage but I am happy right now.
One word that keeps surfacing lately is 'surrender'. Two older, wiser women that just recently came into my life have encouraged me to surrender at different times and in different contexts. I feel like I've been fighting so hard against being a housewife, agianst letting my husband 'win' by giving in and changing the litter box, against giving up my dreams of acting and writing, agianst conforming to a military life etc... All this energy and time spent fighting and what gems have I missed out on while struggling against life? Even today the word makes me feel slightly panicky and sounds too much like compromise.

Surrender and Sacrifice. Are these the corner stones of motherhood and marriage? It's so easy to surrender when my son wraps his arms around me, when I'm nuzzling the soft skin of my daughter's neck or celebrating a new milestone with them. It's not easy when I miss yet another audition or can't find the energy to write, when they are whining and crying all day and I want desperately to take off and blow off some steam alone, when my husband gets into one of his funks and doesn't lift a hand in the house for weeks and I am supposed to be understanding when in fact I'm resentful and overwhelmed. Maybe I need to invent my own word for sacrifice, something I'm more comfortable with. I bet my son has his own way of expressing the action, something simple, accurate and matter of fact. He does have a way with words.

It Seems We All Live So Close To That Line And So Far From Satisfaction

"A woman I knew just drowned herself
The well was deep and muddy
She was just shaking off futility
Or punishing somebody
My friends were calling up all day yesterday
All emotions and abstractions
It seems we all live so close to that line
And so far from satisfaction"
-Joni Mitchell


Depression is a tricky, slippery eel.
It is a Black Dog.
Depression is an instigator, a bully, a tyrant.
It knows no personal boundaries.
Depression has selective hearing.
Depression will do what ever it has to
to win.


Six years ago today a childhood friend waited on the train tracks behind her house. She had texted her boyfriend to tell him she loved him, taken her purse with her i.d. inside and headed out into the frigid night. Her sadness was so deep and her desire to die so strong that it overcame her innate instinct to protect her life as the train sped towards her. All these years later that fact resides uncomfortably in my mind. As some one who struggles with depression and has lived with it most of her life, it terrifies me to know that our mind can betray us by giving up the will to survive. Like Joni says- we all live so close to that line. And it's so easy to stray from satisfaction.... Some days I am a warrior against my black dog- optimism as my sword and hope as my shield. Other days I am unable to see the point of going through what is sure to be year after year of unhappiness, a screaming daughter and a life without passion. Today I am grateful that I know deep down, I could never stand my ground on those train tracks. My thoughts are sometimes unwelcome guests, but my mind is firmly connected to life and all that I desire to accomplish, see and do before that light goes out.
I am meditating on the young woman who gave up so long ago, seeing her face and sending her some love in hopes that she will receive it in some form what ever or where ever she may or may not be.

Itching up a Storm

That last bad day feels far behind me and there is much more peace in the home. I realized, partly with the help of my husband, that I am very hard on myself. I think most mothers are. None of us are perfect it is rare that a mother feels she is living up to her own ideal of a mother one hundred percent of the time. Raising, guiding, nurturing, teaching and protecting these little beings is such a monumental responsibility and we all falter under the weight of it. Because it is the biggest and most important job I'll ever do I am pretty harsh on myself. I'm not entirely sure it's a bad thing though. As a mother who spends a lot of time alone at home with her children, I have to be very self motivated, monitor and check myself when I am out of line or undisciplined. We are self employed and since no one else is looking over our shoulder it might be a good thing to set the bar high. I guess it's a balancing act like everything else, to be forgiving of ones self but not to an oversight. The other day I sank too low and got mired in my guilt and made myself feel like the worst mother on earth because I screamed at my kids. Because I do not want to be a screaming mother and don't want my children growing up on eggshells it's good that I felt disappointed but I've got to work on the perspective. Yesterday I had a small victory. My four year old son had a complete melt down, screaming, kicking, the works. He's been so angry lately and it hurts for me to see him scowling because I know it's a reaction to my own unchecked anger that he witnessed. They had a little friend over for a play date so I knew I had to get him alone to reason with him. I picked him up and managed to carry him to his room despite his best efforts to topple us both backwards down the stairs. I could feel my heart racing and the adrenaline rushing through my limbs in response to his shrill screams in my ears and the strength and balance it took to protect us from harm on the stairs. There was a part of me that wanted to toss him on his bed and scream "SHUT UP!!" That is one thing I have never said to them but I've thought it plenty of times:) Instead I consciously calmed my heart, set him gently on his bed and knelt in front of him with my hands on his knees. I started talking in a quiet, rational tone and he stopped crying immediately. I explained to him what I needed and expected of him, being the eldest child in the house, that he needed to set an example for the younger ones so that they would respect and listen to me. His response? A hug. Overcoming our frustrated urges and getting a positive result in return is like winning a gold medal and it sets the tone for an hour or so after which is another reward.
Last night after I had tucked them in, I was in bed on the computer with a good friend getting my much needed social time when I heard their bedroom door click open.
"Who is out of bed?" I yelled.
My Son's groggy voice replied, "I'm itching up a storm and can't get into bed."
Some times, even at the end of a long day, when your kids are supposed to be sleeping and you really NEED for them to be sleeping, you can overcome your frustration of a wakeful child and have a good laugh.

Sweet Calm After the Storm

There isn't even an inch of snow here in this part of Bavaria. It's been cloudy and rainy for the past month. Now we have about 3/4 of an inch and the waters are frozen. I took the kids out on a nearby pond this morning and we followed the fisher cat and mouse tracks through the snow over and under dead branches and small islands that harbor mating terns in the Spring. They were fascinated with the tracks and wondered if the big cat had caught that mouse or had their tracks merely crossed, one well before the other. We made snow angels and pretended not to notice a curious little bird who circled us, perching on branches closer and closer. She was a sweet little bird and very good natured- I could tell. The river by my house is frozen this year and I am aching to get out on some ice skates while the kids are in school. When I was a child some of my fondest memories are of skating on lakes and in huge old swamps normally inaccessible, underneath the nests of Great Blue Herons, around tiny mysterious islands now vulnerable and exposed. There was no sound but my skates and I felt so peaceful, my mind so quiet. I need that peace and the cold on my face. It was like medicine to laugh with the kids. We healed together today, yesterday's frustrations brushed aside, the slate as clean as the crisp, white snow.

The Dark Corners of Motherhood

How do our children fare when we sink so low? How is this leg of the journey I am on going to affect them in the long run? We all must push on through and do the best we can but what if we end up doing our children a terrible disservice by taking too many emotional liberties? I have been so enmeshed in this depression, obsessed with finding my happiness, with changing my life for the better, with finding my callings that the child rearing seems to have taken the back seat. Sure I am here every single day- day in and day out and lavish them with love, but am never fully present in mind. I am elsewhere in daydream or depression or sorry thoughts for myself. It sounds terrible doesn't it? This is the dirty underbelly of motherhood that no one wants to talk about. That we aren't always doing a great job and sometimes for long stretches of time we suck at what we're doing. Right now- I suck at motherhood. Hands down. Doesn't feel good to admit it but it would feel worse to deny it. Some people learn how to take the reigns and lead themselves to a healthier place. One amazing woman in my life found herself with a toddler, new born twins, a partner with out a job and no one ever came around to help. She was up and down and at times way down, but she disciplined herself to get up before the children- before the sun- to do yoga or run. That is iron strength right there. To drag yourself, sleep deprived, out of bed to make yourself do something you know is going to give you a little more energy for the great task ahead of you,when all you want to do is REST!! She is a wonder to me and has been many times over the years.
My own mother was a single mother living in the woods with no electricity or running water and until I was 5- no car. She would bundle me up and put me in the seat on the back of her bike. She chopped holes in the river near our cabin for water. She also lost the love of her life while I was still in diapers- he never came to explain- just took off with another woman. She said that she got so low after that she couldn't look anyone in the eye, that I was the only thing that saved her. I often wonder what I was privy to during that time.... But she turned to Yoga and meditation and her music and become more in tune with herself.
My children have seen my worst and that kills me. It must be so scary for them when I lose it but in the moment I lack discipline, I'm selfish and I unleash. I don't beat them or anything but my voice can be so cold. My children are paying for my unhappiness and I wonder if I can get it together in time for it to merely be a dim memory or to fade away completely into non existence. I've noted that the anti-depressant I am taking makes me feel extremely raw and I am thinking I should stop because the rages it throws me into cause as much depression as was present before starting the damn drug. Today they saw the bad mom in all her glory. It snuck up on me like a hungry cat. It's tiiiime. One half of my brain is saying- oh god listen to yourself- turn it around now! There I am just lettin' loose, all guns firing, releasing the demon. The other half of my brain registers their beautiful eyes grown wide, bodies clenched and my heart moans.
Today I decided to write it out. It's ugly.



I am like a monster
raging
screaming
my world falls down upon me

I am suffocating
drowning
stagnant
unable to sustain joy

They are watching
scared
confused
as mother morphs before them

I can hear my terrible voice
cold
accusing
the love does not shine through

I am lost in this sea
undone
unhinged
primitive in my anger

And after I'm numb
embarrassed
depressed
and wish to leave this body

To leave them better
without
me
a mother too wild and free

Then I want to gather them
warm
soft
little bodies born from mine

I want to assure
convince
atone
lighten their sweet little minds

For it's surely too heavy a load
burden
love
for them to carry for life

Sweeter souls I have never known
fly
free
from me.