The Dark Corners of Motherhood

How do our children fare when we sink so low? How is this leg of the journey I am on going to affect them in the long run? We all must push on through and do the best we can but what if we end up doing our children a terrible disservice by taking too many emotional liberties? I have been so enmeshed in this depression, obsessed with finding my happiness, with changing my life for the better, with finding my callings that the child rearing seems to have taken the back seat. Sure I am here every single day- day in and day out and lavish them with love, but am never fully present in mind. I am elsewhere in daydream or depression or sorry thoughts for myself. It sounds terrible doesn't it? This is the dirty underbelly of motherhood that no one wants to talk about. That we aren't always doing a great job and sometimes for long stretches of time we suck at what we're doing. Right now- I suck at motherhood. Hands down. Doesn't feel good to admit it but it would feel worse to deny it. Some people learn how to take the reigns and lead themselves to a healthier place. One amazing woman in my life found herself with a toddler, new born twins, a partner with out a job and no one ever came around to help. She was up and down and at times way down, but she disciplined herself to get up before the children- before the sun- to do yoga or run. That is iron strength right there. To drag yourself, sleep deprived, out of bed to make yourself do something you know is going to give you a little more energy for the great task ahead of you,when all you want to do is REST!! She is a wonder to me and has been many times over the years.
My own mother was a single mother living in the woods with no electricity or running water and until I was 5- no car. She would bundle me up and put me in the seat on the back of her bike. She chopped holes in the river near our cabin for water. She also lost the love of her life while I was still in diapers- he never came to explain- just took off with another woman. She said that she got so low after that she couldn't look anyone in the eye, that I was the only thing that saved her. I often wonder what I was privy to during that time.... But she turned to Yoga and meditation and her music and become more in tune with herself.
My children have seen my worst and that kills me. It must be so scary for them when I lose it but in the moment I lack discipline, I'm selfish and I unleash. I don't beat them or anything but my voice can be so cold. My children are paying for my unhappiness and I wonder if I can get it together in time for it to merely be a dim memory or to fade away completely into non existence. I've noted that the anti-depressant I am taking makes me feel extremely raw and I am thinking I should stop because the rages it throws me into cause as much depression as was present before starting the damn drug. Today they saw the bad mom in all her glory. It snuck up on me like a hungry cat. It's tiiiime. One half of my brain is saying- oh god listen to yourself- turn it around now! There I am just lettin' loose, all guns firing, releasing the demon. The other half of my brain registers their beautiful eyes grown wide, bodies clenched and my heart moans.
Today I decided to write it out. It's ugly.



I am like a monster
raging
screaming
my world falls down upon me

I am suffocating
drowning
stagnant
unable to sustain joy

They are watching
scared
confused
as mother morphs before them

I can hear my terrible voice
cold
accusing
the love does not shine through

I am lost in this sea
undone
unhinged
primitive in my anger

And after I'm numb
embarrassed
depressed
and wish to leave this body

To leave them better
without
me
a mother too wild and free

Then I want to gather them
warm
soft
little bodies born from mine

I want to assure
convince
atone
lighten their sweet little minds

For it's surely too heavy a load
burden
love
for them to carry for life

Sweeter souls I have never known
fly
free
from me.