When it comes to relationships I don't like gray areas. I like it to be black or white- saves me a lot of angst. It's been one of the nicest things about marriage, not having to waste my time and energy trying to figure out some guy. I have never been good at the 'dating game'. I wear my wants, needs, feelings and expectations on my sleeve and it usually turns the guy off. I have a hunch that dating men in my generation might be easier now, that they just might be ready for a woman like me and a lot of them are fathers themselves with needs and expectations that more closely match mine. Or perhaps I'm being totally idealistic which is another reason I sucked at dating. Why so much thought on the subject? My husband and I have decided to separate and will be doing so about two months after our five year anniversary. We have not been able to reach a compromise on having an open marriage, namely I am not able to promise him complete fidelity and he can not offer me the freedom I desire. We came to the decision peaceably enough with no yelling or screaming but not without heavy hearts and lots of tears on my part. We've been going regularly to a marriage counselor that the Military provides and this one is actually really good. We tried with one guy who flicked his tongue like a reptile which was too disconcerting and then we tried with a chaplain right before my husband deployed who was very nice and didn't bring religion into the sessions thankfully but I was uncomfortable discussing my unorthodox relationship desires with him. So this new guy is very good at what he does and we have made a fair amount of progress in our communicating. Since we started seeing him the focus has changed from saving the marriage to navigating separation and divorce and I am very thankful we will have help during this time. Our sessions have brought to light many key and core differences and have helped me to realize that the marriage isn't necessarily ending because of the open marriage disagreement. I now see that I want and need a partner who is willing and capable of expanding their mind around a different relationship concept. That the world has changed and as a result people do business differently, dress differently, priorities have changed, religion is adapting and people relate differently. I want a partner who can love, cherish and honor me and who is not threatened by the idea of me exploring a connection with some one else. I desire a partner who is not wholly ruled by their ego, who can identify when fear is fueled by jealousy and ego and can work through and beyond it, who can help me work through and beyond mine. I want to grow and expand with someone in the ways that I live and love. Long before we had children and long before I was aware of this yearning in myself I would have thought my husband eager to explore this new way of loving but I have learned that he is comfortable in the traditional ways of love and as much as I wish it could be different I have to accept that it is OK. He is not backwards or ignorant, he is who he is and I am who I am and as much as we love one another we can no longer fulfill each others needs. He said in one of our last sessions that I see myself as a big fish in a big pond and he sees himself as a small fish in a small pond and the concept and realization exploded in my head. I have much broader visions of my future and he is content with much less and should we stay together he would always resist my greater needs and feel threatened by them. I can't shrink myself to fit into his dream and he should not compromise his happiness to fulfill mine either.
And yet there will be a few times each day that I am ready to compromise myself, ready to stifle my longings. I start to believe when he says that I am making a big mistake and will always regret this- that I will always be unhappy because I can't be happy with what I have. I just want to stay together, to avoid all of this hurt, to keep the children from the inevitable pain. After all we do love each other immensely. But then I call a good friend and she reminds me that I am an amazing woman with so much to offer and that if my closest friends thought I was making a mistake they would have hopped on a plane by now to come shake some sense into me. As much as they all love my husband they are all rooting for the separation. They have heard my unhappiness for the past five years and they have faith that there is a better match for me out there and once I know that kind of love I will be shocked that I lived so long with out it. I want that for my husband too. These days he is sleeping downstairs and we are trying to establish some healthy ground rules, boundaries. He suggests that we not have sex any more so that we can focus on our friendship which is the most important thing since it has to live on after the marriage. We make love that same night. We manage to stay some what aloof for a few days then we get a christmas tree and decorate it with the kids and we go for a walk in the snow by the quiet river. We need each other. We need to be held. We want to feel close because neither of us can stand for long the thought of being apart. After making love there is a heaviness that is almost worse than the heaviness that preceded the act.
I grieve a lot. I have amazing friends who help me through this but there is a six hour time difference between us so there is a lot of quiet and lately I have been filling it with nonsense. Dumb TV shows and trashy magazines. I am trying to escape into other realities which is ultimately very unhealthy for me. This stuff is like a gate way drug for me because then I start drinking wine every night and can't go to the gym in the morning because I'm too dehydrated and then I start sugar bingeing... It's a bad cycle lemme tell ya. I have one girlfriend who although is not married and doesn't have children ,is going through a very similar thing. We have been amazed at how parallel our experiences have been and grateful that there is some one else out there who can relate. She is working up the courage to make the break with her lover and asked me to write her a letter of encouragement that she can refer too when feeling weak and low. It ended up being more for the both of us:
I've been feeling so low. So this is for us. I need to hold on to this as much as you. We have a whole wonderful, beautiful life ahead of us. We have good loving and true love- maybe even loves ahead of us. This difficult, lonely, heartbreaking time is but the blink of an eye in a long, long life. Both of our lovers were instrumental in helping to form us into the women we are today but our relationships with them do not define us, nor the ending of these relationships... It's what we have in our hearts and minds that defines us, our dreams we are working hard to reach, the immense amount of love and support we get and give defines us because WE have drawn that into our lives. One of the hardest facts is that we are all alone, when we're happy, when we're sad whether married, single or swingin', we're all alone. So it's of the utmost importance that we listen to ourselves and guide ourselves and trust ourselves. It's important that we forgive ourselves when we fail at any of the above. Some nights we will feel so lonely, our beds will be so empty that we will hug ourselves to feel warmth, pull the pillows to our backs to feel some one there. I've lived through that and can do it again. We will also feel the sun on our faces, the smooth pull of water over our bodies, the strength of our legs on a mountain trail, the hug of a dear friend, the kiss of a new lover and the electricity that follows and spreads over our whole being. We'll smell the damp earth pregnant with life and death, warm pine needles, salty air, freshly baking bread, babies sweet breath. Man- there is so much to be joyful for and we need to hold onto these truths because we both have important work immediately at hand and shit is going to be difficult for a while. I have two little children to protect from the pain of this separation, you have no choice but to keep yourself immersed in your studies because you are going to be a DOCTOR!! You are going to change peoples lives! So it's not just for ourselves we will plug on through this- it's for my son and daughter and those countless people who will feel your healing hands.
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