It's time to discuss some motherhood here! My husband and I have not yet decided what to teach our now four and a half year old son what to call his testicles. 'Testicles' seems way to old, 'balls' and 'nuts' innapropriate and even 'scrotum' which a girlfriend of mine settled on, seems wierd. So we've been ignoring it and it seems my son has come up with his own name. I noticed him figiting with his penis through his pants the other day- his face scrunched up in discomfort. I asked if he had to pee and he said no, his penis was stuck. I noticed him doing it again a few minutes later and asked him if his penis was stuck again. "Yes", he replied, "It's stuck to my penis cheek."
Spring is in full bloom here in Bavaria. The crocuses have been up for a couple weeks the terns are back in the lake and the bees are buzzing about their business. And the sun! Ahh the sun is back. During the winters here the clouds basically move in for good. The past few sunny days it really feels like I am comprised of solar panels and my energy is doubling, tripling. My optimism is through the roof and my depression is but a memory. The kids and I have been spending blissful afternoons in the yard and I am truly savoring it as it will be our last spring here. In fact we are preparing to move to North Carolina in three weeks. My son is not happy about this and has, I believe, been internalizing his feelings and it's coming out as anger. For a couple weeks he was like a stranger. My normaly even keeled, mellow boy was all barbs, glares and stomps. Nearly every word he spoke was angry. It was both frustrating and heartbreaking for me. Of course I felt it was important to help him connect with the true root of his anger but that's the tricky part as a parent with a child so young because what if we end up simply projecting on to them what we THINK the problem is. How many countless times we screw up. I haven't decided yet if I think it's worse to know when you're screwing up and doing it anyway, or when you are ignorant of what you're doing wrong.
For the past two months I was involved with the theater! It'd been some thirteen years since I'd performed on stage and I fell in love with it again. My husband came to see final performance which was adjudicated by professionals from around the world and it was hands down one of the most self afirming experiences since giving birth. He has never seen me act! It's been a life long passion, even a cause for argument in our marriage when I bring up my desire to persue it, and he'd never even seen me perform. He and I have been through so many ups and downs these past years. Deciding to separate and then to work it out over and over. There have been so many doubts, so many days I've wondered, is this it? Is he the best partner for me? Could I be happier with some one else? He was gone on a five week TDY (tour of duty) for all but the last week of rehearsal so I was scrambling to fit childcare together for the evenings and study my lines during the days. It was stressful but so fulfilling and he was earnestly happy for me and looked forward to seeing the play. Upon his return I booked two trips for us sans kids and between booking the trips and him getting to respect and admire me for something I achieved, it was a boost for our relationship and for now we are looking towards a future together. I still don't necessarily see us spending the rest of our lives together and I continue to desire a more autonomous marriage but I am happy right now.
One word that keeps surfacing lately is 'surrender'. Two older, wiser women that just recently came into my life have encouraged me to surrender at different times and in different contexts. I feel like I've been fighting so hard against being a housewife, agianst letting my husband 'win' by giving in and changing the litter box, against giving up my dreams of acting and writing, agianst conforming to a military life etc... All this energy and time spent fighting and what gems have I missed out on while struggling against life? Even today the word makes me feel slightly panicky and sounds too much like compromise.
Surrender and Sacrifice. Are these the corner stones of motherhood and marriage? It's so easy to surrender when my son wraps his arms around me, when I'm nuzzling the soft skin of my daughter's neck or celebrating a new milestone with them. It's not easy when I miss yet another audition or can't find the energy to write, when they are whining and crying all day and I want desperately to take off and blow off some steam alone, when my husband gets into one of his funks and doesn't lift a hand in the house for weeks and I am supposed to be understanding when in fact I'm resentful and overwhelmed. Maybe I need to invent my own word for sacrifice, something I'm more comfortable with. I bet my son has his own way of expressing the action, something simple, accurate and matter of fact. He does have a way with words.
