PATIENCE
Looking back over the summer months I can't believe how much we squeezed in! Since my husband deployed in May I have filled our weeks as much as possible to keep us all busy and happy. We drove to New England, camped for a week on the ME coast with a dear friend and her boys- this is turning into an annual tradition- stayed at my mom's beautiful new place in NH, visited Brooklyn and Boston. Back in NC we spent many weekends ocean camping and found some great lakes closer to home to camp at. I've become an expert at camping with the kids and though it's no small task I truly enjoy it. At least once a week I found some free, live, outdoor music- this area is teeming with outdoor events in the warmer months and I was bound and determined to benefit from as many freebies as possible. Also determined not to go crazy these long months of single parenting, I arranged a few overnights alone so I could attend different music festivals. From these festivals I've made some great new friends in the local music scenes and my world has expanded. I feel a part of things again and oh how I have missed this feeling!! How long I went without! The last year our married life spent living together, I came to fathom, slowly and painfully, that what I wanted was within my reach but not in my life. I couldn't see things ever changing if I stayed where I was and though I chose to move only an hour away, it's really a world away. A world away. I'm so happy I'm here, I am aware of possibilities again! It has not been an easy road and I am working very hard to be where I am right now. Some incredible shifts have occurred by some unexpected means. One of my dearest friends was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia nearly two months ago. I received the news from a third party and spent two awful days waiting to hear from my friend herself, to gauge the seriousness of the situation. For so many months I'd been living in a space of near constant anger, resentment, guilt, grief and a near crippling fear of the unknown in my future. During those two days spent waiting for S to call, everything came to a head and I was in ruins. Then her call came and as soon as I heard her voice and heard her telling me that this was OK, that it was one of the best gifts she'd ever been given, time stopped for a long instant and I experienced a major internal realignment.
I was suddenly able to step out of that awful space I'd been surviving in, able to step to the side of it, to be peaceful with where I am and not consumed with what I can not control. Her gift imparted itself to me and to many of her friends and we all humbly share it together while she heals.
So now that I have gained this new tool the Universe has decided to test me of course! With the deployment coming to an end in just over a month, my financial support will have to decrease dramatically when we have two separate households to pay for. It's crunch time! Unwilling to get stuck in some underpaying job I have decided to keep pursuing nursing school and if I have to take out loans to pay the rent so be it! I'm surrendering myself to the process. Then my husband tells me he's toying with the idea of extending his deployment another six months and I just have to wait tight until he makes up his mind. Ok focus, focus I tell myself, focus on what you can control. This deployment he is going out on these 'missions' where he'll be off the grid for days at a time,sleeping in some dinky tent on the border of some 'stan' country or another. These are days where it is especially challenging to keep the fears at bay, to not read every odd occurrence as a bad omen, but I've gotten through them and there's one more long one to get through that starts today... I know that if he stays another six months it will suck but I can do it. If he dies over there I will do what ever it takes to heal the hearts of our children and what ever it takes to give them a happy life. I just refuse to give my precious energy over to things that have not and may never come to pass.
To keep my super natural single mom powers at their best I have started taking Bikram Yoga classes and guitar lessons! I am honoring my belief that I deserve these positive things even though they cost money and we don't have a lot of money. These two things have been adding balance, purpose, confidence and energy into my life in a time when they are most needed. In the other corner of the ring, threatening to throw me off balance and into a vortex of old bad habits, there stands a man with black hair and a guitar. A much younger man might I add. Yes I met someone who's captured my attention and imagination. We met at a festival he was performing at, danced for hours, lay under the stars for hours more and are quickly forming an intellectual and emotional bond via emails. He lives in San Diego. I live in NC. Why does the Universe keep teasing me like this? Well in the part of my brain that's not gone kooky with giddy romantic notions, I know that it's best it's this way. I am obviously emotionally entangled with the man I'm still married to, I am just getting my life together, I have children and- well- he's eight years younger than me. But- but-but- he's exceptionally beautiful, he's a crazy talented musician and he writes me these emails that leave me wondering if he's an extension of my own heart and mind. I want to kiss him. I want to know what it's like to wake up next to him. I'm trying to keep myself in check to not lose everything I have worked so hard for to this heady experience. I remember how addictive this feeling can be, how dangerous. So this may be my biggest challenge yet. If I fail I'll have only myself to blame.
The kids and I are gradually finding ourselves in our new home and routines. They both love school and are making lots of friends. Their new favorite spot is one of the little trees out front where they'll gladly spend hours with books, stuffed animals, what ever they can haul up there. These last months of deployment have been hitting them hardest and there have been a lot more late night tears and fits of rage especially from my son. I just get so burnt out being on 24/7 always being the heavy, the nurse, the cook and the psychologist. There are nights when it's all I can do to get their teeth brushed, books read and give them snuggles. If one of them gets out of bed the floor falls out from under me and since I have already used up what felt like the very last thread of patience kissing every one of their buddies goodnight I end up yelling. The other night my son got out of bed for the third time- he's been complaining of a bad dream he had a while back and gets himself all worked up and scared. I had been in his room to comfort him that night, and the two previous nights, had tried every trick in the book, searched my brain for anything to help him conquer his fear and nothing had worked. Now as he stood in front of me I had the thought that he was milking this for as long as he could and I had to put my foot down or it might go on endlessly. I got stern and told him to get into bed, he said no, I said NOW, he said NO and so on. The floor fell out and I grabbed him by the arm to escort him to bed, he pulls the 'fine I'll go completely limp' move so I'm now dragging him down the hall. He grabs onto the cabinet and I pull him loose and toss him on his bed. He's crying, I feel like I'm going to scream and/or cry and we're both sitting there on his bed in the dark. I pulled the blanket up over him and he shoved it down with a stubborn squeal- about to lose my mind my hands suddenly register how large and lumpy he feels. I scan his torso with my hands in the dark and ask- "How many shirts to you have on?"
He replies- "Five....and four pairs of pajama pants."
There is a long pause and then we both collapsed in uncontrollable peals of laughter. Just the thing we needed- a miracle handed to us by the grace of the Universe. Laughter. I try to create laughter more now. Things with my daughter can get especially tense as they always have and laughter never fails to diffuse the negativity.
I am a see-saw. I may gain ground one day and fight like hell to keep it the next, hell I may go tumbling namby pamby right down the hill but I feel more than ever now that I can recover each and every time. I feel like I have actually learned some things in this life, that it has all been worth while and it has led me here, I am succeeding and oh boy does success feel good!
