Thursday, August 12, 2010

TMI

Have you ever read someones Facebook status and cringed, felt uncomfortable and wondered why on earth they would post something so personal for the world to see? I have. I disassociate myself from that person with a raised eyebrow and my own witty, half veiled status where everything is safely insinuated and therefor acceptable. But secretly I have been brought to that moment, hands hovering over the keyboard, where I wanted to let the world know that I am about to lose my shit! I'm lonely! I'm horny! My world is a shit storm and I'm not so sure I can ride it out a moment longer! So great is my need to have some human contact,to feel some support, that I might just risk putting it all out there for people like my eighth grade classmates and high school boyfriends to read if it might garner some attention and support, a little red number in a square alerting me that some one has sent me a life line. So far I've managed to 'keep it together' for the public eye.

This morning I had a total meltdown when Everett accidentally but carelessly tore a utility shelf from the wall that was holding all the tools. It took me hours to get those shelves up and two months to even find the energy to do it by myself. Yesterday he ripped the bottom screen off the front door and I had to sit in 115 degree sun while I unscrewed the door frame, pulled the metal screen back into place, screwed the frame back on and then meticulously sewed the inner screen back onto the metal screen. Today the shelf was the last straw and instead of screaming at him I just started bawling. I cried like my heart was breaking, like I was mourning the dead, like everything as I knew it was up for auction.
Which of course is why was I crying topped with the helpless feeling one gets when they have just seen their hard work undone. Oh how I wanted to get on Facebook and virtually scream for help: "Some one come rescue me!" or "Sweep me up and tell me it's going to be Ok" And there are a few I would ask to "Kiss me so fiercely that the world falls away"and "Take me to bed and don't let me out until I have been reborn"
But what I wrote was: "Need. Massage. Now.....and a handy man." And I really don't feel a sense of superiority for my restraint. Nor do I feel any relief and no one is throwing me a lifeline because frankly, who doesn't need a massage or a handy man.
Still, I am not sure that the full disclosure status update is the way to go because although it's true that we all lose our shit at times and we all falter and feel alone, there are some out there to whom I would like to remain mysterious. It's important to me that when I am failing and falling apart, when I am ugly and unlovable, someone out there thinks I'm living the dream.
Hm..instead of sitting here and continuing to feel sorry for myself maybe I'll scan my friends status updates for TMI and throw out some lifelines. Then I'll go look at that damn shelf again. And if any of you can recommend a man who's good with his hands- ahem- I mean a good handy man, I'd be much obliged.

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