In five short days Everett and Arianna will start full days of school. This will be Arianna's first experience with full days away from me and I'm interested to see how she likes it. I have been allowing myself to imagine what my days will be like with so much alone time. I can read, find a yoga class, ride my bike around, window shop, go to the mall, walk around downtown and get a beer if I so wish, take a nap.... Of course I will also be very much involved in the hunt for a job but I plan to make the most of what ever free days I get to myself before I start working. I deserve them. I've been walking the tightrope a lot lately, that thin line between "I'm managing" and "I'm in the weeds". "I'm in the weeds" is a great phrase from my waitressing days. I remember so clearly that slightly panicked feeling when an eight top is sat in your already maxed out section and you realize you forgot to get table four's drinks and the kitchen is calling you to pick up table two's food and table one is trying to flag you down for their check. Long past my fine dining days, I find myself more in the weeds as a single mother than ever before. Right now though, things seem to be falling together at the same rate other things are falling apart. I have new friendships forming that promise to be great friendships and I'm enjoying the deepening of a couple old friendships that are local, I've started seeing a new therapist and really couldn't be happier with that branch of support. I've been taking the kiddos once or twice a week to local, free performances, the kids museum, camping at the beach, swimming at the community pool etc.. We started attending services at the Unitarian Universalist Church in Raleigh, they have an excellent kids program run by a dear friend and I anticipate it being a great place to meet other like-minded parents. There may not be a whole lot of immediate gratification but I am moving forward. Seems like a miracle since I spend so much time looking behind me from whence I came,I have to focus on training my eyes to the road ahead and only indulge the backwards musings when I have achieved enough distance to have earned them. Some days though I hunker down under the protective shade of a roadside tree and brood or worse yet double back,following my tracks, sniffing and howling like a hound dog that's lost the scent but wants to fool you into thinking it's still hot on the trail. It really is a mournful thing to set yourself so far back but you pick yourself up and get moving whether sheepishly or with nonchalance, you just keep moving.
Here's my adaptation of an Irishg blessing:
May the road rise up to meet you
and may the wind be ever at your back
to kick you in the ass when you start feeling sorry for yourself.
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