Pacing the Perimeters

Being a stay at home mother has been the biggest challenge I've faced yet. Motherhood alone is by far the hardest job I've ever undertaken but the rewards are immeasurable and well worth the sacrifices. The stay at home part however doesn't hold many rewards for me and I find it confining and frustrating.  Women friends of mine have told me to just wait it out- it's hard at first but you get into a groove and they were eventually able to find great satisfaction in it.  I am done waiting for that day and am coming to peace with the fact that I love baking my own bread and filling the house with the smells of a home made soup but I detest cleaning and being judged by how orderly my home is or how stained my kids clothes are.  When I close my eyes at night I see myself riding my motorcycle down endless New England back roads not mopping the floor that will look disgusting again in half an hour.  I'm sure there are countless blogs out there about stay at home motherhood and the sacrifices and sorrows we all are so intimate with but this little blog is intended mainly for me to work through what comes after the recognition that things aren't working, when you find yourself at a crossroads and all directions hold painful consequences. This is about my search for self reclamation and finding the balance between Selfish and Selfless. I am a mother lioness pacing the perimeters of her life.